5 Things You Learn From Camping If You Hate the Outdoors
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I found out just how severe my aversion to nature really is during a trip to Chile earlier this year. Traveling abroad means expanding your horizons, getting out of your comfort zone, and drinking heavily. All of that, somehow, ended in me deciding I should try camping for the first time.
canada goose clearance sale I’d prepped for the inevitable moment when I’d need to learn a new life skill by watching way too many episodes of MTV’s Made back in middle school. If that taught me anything, it’s that I’d need a mentor of some kind to literally do all buy canada goose jacket the work while I stood there pretending to learn. So with that in mind, I convinced two REI looking motherfuckers I was friends with to take me camping in the wilderness of the Chilean suburbs. It went poorly. Here’s what I learned. canada goose clearance sale
canada goose deals On the suggestion of a friend, the three of us bused a few miles out of Santiago to some tiny camping town. As soon as we got there, we realized you had to pay to camp. Okay, I realized this. The other two already expected it and laughed at my genuine shock once they realized I wasn’t joking. It probably became much less funny after the seventh time I asked, “Like, okay, but why?!” canada goose deals
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buy canada goose jacket cheap After the guys deemed the camping fees too high, we, as law abiding youths, immediately found land that canada goose seemed unused enough that we could camp on it. And by land, I mean a mountain. And by unused, I mean that there may or may not have been a “no trespassers” sign (we’re gringos . no entendamos?) that we canada goose clearance sale decided to ignore. buy canada goose jacket cheap
Canada Goose Parka Climbing the mountain to the dulcet sounds of my harsh breathing due to my delicate smoker lungs should have tipped us Canada Goose Jackets off that I was not meant for this journey, and should have returned to the bus stop. However, I’m a stubborn little shit sometimes, and this was literally a hill canada goose coats on sale I was willing to die on. Canada Goose Parka
canada goose black friday sale We set up camp, which is code for me sitting on a blanket because I was banned from helping set up camp. I found this unfair because I’ve totally put together IKEA furniture, sort of, so I could probably canada goose uk black friday handle a tent. canada goose black friday sale
I started out in the middle, but after delaying our hike for five minutes by getting stuck on a bush somehow (most of the five minutes were spent just laughing at me), I moved to the back of the group. This was good because, not five Canada Goose online seconds later, I tripped and fell flat on my face. If you don’t think falling is infinitely less embarrassing if no one saw you trip, you clearly don’t fall very often, and were probably one of the people who took gym class way too seriously. In the back, I could just bumble along, getting dick slapped by tree branches and buy canada goose jacket cheap tripping over things without appearing to be quite as out of shape and uncoordinated as I actually am.
Once we’d set up camp, I stared at some trees to see if I was having fun yet. There was a lot of dirt (in my sandwich) and wildlife (also possibly in my sandwich). After a few minutes of that, I psyched myself up a little bit and wandered off to take a shit in the woods, because that’s like 90 percent of what I understand about camping.
canada goose coats on sale Undeterred, I walked around on a trail a little bit until I got hot and sat canada goose uk outlet down to have a cigarette. A bug flew into the side of my head, which I thought was rude. We built a fire (I gave up on the boys and lit it with a lighter because I was fucking hungry) and roasted s’mores, which were better than the ones I make over my stove burner when I’m hungover, but weren’t to die for or anything. And by this point, I was starting to worry that I actually might die camping. canada goose coats on sale
canada goose clearance By the end of the trip, I looked like a psychotic forest hag. While we were waiting for our bus back to Santiago, someone pointed out two beetles having sex in my hair. Sometime between those two points in the weekend, I gave uk canada goose up. I became one with the natural grime. canada goose clearance
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This whole “fuck there’s so much dirt in nature” thing was impossible to escape when it came to eating. I was slightly unnerved by that initial dirt sandwich, but as someone who pretty much exclusively lives on sugar free canada goose black friday sale Red Bull, liquor, and chicken flavored ramen, I shockingly don’t get a lot of the proteins I need.
Canada Goose Outlet Though I was totally down with accidentally eating bugs after a while (three hours outside changes a person, it really does), one thing I was not going to live without was see https://www.salecanadagooseoutlets.com Canada Goose UK coffee. In Chile, most of the coffee is instant Nescafe. For the record, it’s just as fucking awful with a little bit of dirt in it as it is without. Unfortunately, on our last morning, I woke up to find that there canada goose clearance wasn’t any water. In canada goose uk shop fact, we literally had no liquids other than really cheap vodka. I’m sure uk canada goose outlet you can guess where this is going. Canada Goose Outlet
buy canada goose jacket I removed the cap from the vodka, scooped Nescafe into it, dumped it in my mouth, and swigged straight from the bottle. Four times. It was the second worst drinking experience I’ve ever had only because I once took a double shot of Everclear for reasons I’m still not aware of, and then had to go lie down. I did not have to lie down after this one. Once I accepted the shame of what I had just done, I immediately started excitedly packing for our trip back down the mountain and to Santiago. I was so jacked up on LIFE. buy canada goose jacket
canada goose coats We began our climb back down the mountain. The other times I’d gone down, I did that dainty “lean back and slide on your butt” maneuver. That day though, I decided to be bold, like 5 Gum. The world was my oyster, and I was going to seize it and fuck it. I was going to face the mountain standing tall and proud. Fight me, Mother fucking Nature. canada goose coats
canada goose Standing up, I began to jog down like the guys were doing. If the smiley face in sunglasses emoji was an emotion, that was me. A big old drunk idiot jogging down a mountain feeling the fucking epitome of cool. I was going to contact MTV and Dr. Phil to tell canada goose store them about how I was the success story to end all success stories. canada goose
It wasn’t long after that when I noticed I was going faster down the mountain than the two guys, who’d spent all Canada Goose Coats On Sale fucking weekend sprinting around like puppies while I spent most of my energy on complaining and standing up after falling. Not now, though. Suddenly, I was the motherfucking Road Runner, and I was here to make everyone else look like modified push up doing bitches. It was not the natural order of things.